i thought that would be a really neat name for a blog. i was trying to figure out if i could maybe even just create a user with that name. i realize that it’s the name of a song by the guitar guy joe satriani, but it’s a great name.

satriani’s ok sometimes. mostly though, he seems just really self indulgent. as if in the third solo in as many minutes he’s secretly (or not) saying, “look at how bitchin’ i am! if my shirt were off, you could admire my glistening abs, but it’s not. and they’re not. but if they were, ho buddy, look out. i don’t even care that this music isn’t any good anymore, look at how totally rad i am!” and then he releases the worst titled cd ever, “professor satchifunklous and the inanely titled cd.” the professor satch(etc.) part is true, but i can’t remember what the rest was called. dream laborioum or music emporatorioum or something equally useless and self indulgent.

so, joe. used to make good music. and that’s not what i even came here for.

you’ll notice that i’m not capitalizing anything. that’s because my old computer’s highly proprietary old mother board burnt up. it’s useless now, so i had to bump up getting my school laptop by a few weeks. it’s pretty cool. it has vista, which made me really nervous at first. i can see a few hiccups, but microsoft has made it suck a whole lot less. vista’s weird in the reactions it creates. people love it and will die for it in the crusades, or the hate it and will kill those that love it in the crusades. at any rate, my laptop is pretty rad and shiney, and i’m pretty well satisfied by it, but it doesn’t have any word processing software, so until i get some, this lazy son of a bitch isn’t capitalizing jack shit.

that’s actually not what i came here for either. to be honest, i don’t know why i came here. i wish i blogged more, but that’s kind of another facet of life in which i get to be disappointed in myself. i thought i could get another religious musing blog, but then i realized with my current set of beliefs it might look something like this:

)(&#^%)_@*^%)$*$*#_A#&*@&_%&#%)%*^&@_#*%^(@_+@+A*%+%&^&(&^(

or maybe i mean

%(%(#(%*^&*#@)%*^&^($)#)@_@(*%*^

you’ll notice that it’s utter meaningless gibberish. that’s another facet of life in which i get to be dissapointed in myself. i’ve been a christian for nigh onto 15ish years. in the last probably 2ish months, i’ve become less and less sure in that. the reasons are numerous and complex. actually, they’re few and probably stupid. i don’t know. all i know is that the more i read, the more i learn, the less i know. i’ve fired off a few emails to people only find out things like, “oh. that’s not what i’m going through,” or “..” (the ellipses is supposed to represent silence, or no response. if you played final fantasy 7, you’d understand that it’s a text/verbal mechanic in which the developer could communicate to you the idea the character’s not saying anything, or that they’re speechless without just having a few seconds of vacant action. effective as it actually let you know what that character didn’t say, instead of just having long periods of inaction AND no dialogue. no you know). both are frustrating. there’s so much that i don’t understand, or understand less and less. this used to be a comfort. you know, God’s (i still capitalize that name though) ways are mysterious and all. it meant that i didn’t have to understand because God did. but, 2 things happened. the first is that i realized that this premise only holds true with the base premise that what you believe, out of the multitude of belief, is the right one. the second is that it appeared to be lazy. in no other regard are you allowed to be lazy (math, reading, history, geography), but when it comes to things like that, well, just sit back because you’re an ignorant fuck and let the shit hit the fan. don’t worry about it, because God’s mysterious.

i’m not that bitter about it. i just kind of like to cuss. makes me feel warm. it’s like injections of cocoa.

actually i’m a little depressed by it. i stayed loyal in the face of all this… nonsense. friends who fell away, school(s), books, media. i held on fast. but it turns out, that the only way to be able to hold fast during all that is to kind of actually pretend that it didn’t happen, or that everyone else is wrong. it’s like a man who can see out of one eye standing on a soap box trying to throw pencils into a trashcan. he’s going to miss a lot, but since he’s got one eye, this metaphor fell apart a long time ago. this metaphor became meta for the blog.

but a lot of things fall apart if i have to face them head on. like, for instance, buddhists, or the bushmen. heaven or hell? heaven. why? well, duh, God’s grace! they never had a chance to hear the gospel, ergo, God’s gonna cut ’em slack! this is the answer i hear a lot in christianity. which makes sense. kind of. what about mormons? why would they go to hell? they’re no less convinced than the buddhist or the bushman that what they believe is TRUTH, all capitals. it’s not like theyr’e believing mormonism to piss off the christians, or because they think hell might actually be fun instead of, well, hell. so, despite being convinced of their own truthiness, they go to hell, while the ignorant heathens don’t.

or, they all go to hell. which is cruel. it’s not that i would say, “God would never send anyone to hell! he’s much too loving for that!” no. there are people who need to be there… for a time. it seems to cruel to have someone there forever, or for them to be there forever and never cease. that seems cruel. but if hell were a place, it seems that it would have a function with all the people willfully causing misery for others. back to my original point of this paragraph, they all go to hell, despite the fact that they are all good people who love their brothers, give to the poor (whatever that looks like for the bushmen), and most of all, recycle (praise allah and his one true prophet, gore). that’s where it’s cruel. i mean, these aren’t people who are haphazardly choosing belief systems. whether they grew up in it, or turned to it, chances are they are absolutely convinced of its rightness, but poor slobs, they chose the wrong one. enjoy hell you slant eye fuckers.

so, that’s a sample of what’s going on in here (and i dramatically gestured to my chest, which you saw you filthy spying measle bellied swag pig). anyway, it makes me sad. what to believe? it was neitzsche (that name’s hella hard) who said that man without belief is nothing (paraphrased). it bugs me to not have belief.

which is why i’m going to school for it. i figure maybe if i make myself really sick, somehow i’ll get better. no, not really. a long time ago (i mean, for a 24 year old), about 3 years, i felt like i was in the beginning stages of a journey. it, of course, seemed reasonable to assume it was God. no reason, still, to assume it wasn’t. it’s not like i doubt God, i just doubt all those that claim to speak for him.

so, this journey. it started with quitting church (oh man. that’s easily one of the 5 best decisions of my life. i quit church, and my happiness qoutient jumped 40 points. figure that one out doctor dobson). then it was followed by a period of rejection, where it seemed like i was supposed to see how others felt in places where they had been. to be specific: to have no friends, to feel like no one in the church cares. in many respects, i’ve come back to this place.

next, i came into a very precious relationship that ended up totally revamping my (at the time) theology. it started a slow domino chain reaction process that began to topple other weighty pieces over the following years as i read. and read i did. so, i felt like i was taken to a place where i was to question everything, and boy, i questioned the fuck out everything. to the point that nothing feels real anymore. and now i feel like i’ve just been kind of forgotten. i feel like i hit the darkest valley floor of the mountain i’m trying to get up, and the guide forgot me, or himself got lost or something. so, now i’m picking my way through brambles and old paths trying to find one that’ll get me off of the floor.

which leads me to my conclusion, if you will. the anti to the thesis.

it actually doesn’t feel all that bad. sure, at 12:30 at night, it can feel unbearable. it can feel unbearable when i think too hard about it. when i think that “fuck, what if i’m wrong!” at least i’ll be in the company of some of the nicest people a person could meet. that might make boiling in a vat of demon piss a little bit easier. but it doesn’t feel all that bad. i had a friend who went through something very similar (“simular”), and she said how she couldn’t continue believing this old thing. she had to change. at the time i couldn’t understand it, and much like the rejection part, i’m understanding it now. i have to shed this old thing if i want to get to the top of the mountain. i might get there and find out that my guide had found it and brought it with, and i’ll put it back on and things will be like they were, only different. or maybe not.

let me be more direct. i believe (should say know) that God exists. of this, i have no doubt. i doubt those that speak for him (broadly), and lots of other stuff. but, if we assume that God creates everything with an intended design (bee for honey, rabbit for burrow), then my intended design is to doubt. i do a very good job of it. so, in that tradition, i doubt everything for now, and maybe later, the doubt will fall off and something else will come on.

a couple quick hits:

  • i’ve noticed a correlation between music and belief for me. when i have firm believes, i have music i love. when belief is in flux, music becomes uninteresting, and i feel like everything is mundane.
  • i still think evolution’s kind of a crock. it sounds good, but i’m pretty sure it’s hella flawed.
  • the thing that makes all this roughest is that in the few months that i’ve been experiencing this, Jesus, God, buddha, allah, the maharishi, santa claus, no one has come down or given me a vision and said, “just push through.” if that happened: faith points plus 50. i also doubt (hey hey!) that it will happen.
  • this “lazy son of a b” will not be proofreading his business either.
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